Shiho Shimoyamada: The Form of Family I Envision

I turned 27 this year. Many of my friends back home got married around age 20, and their children are about to become elementary school students. The seniors and peers I worked hard with during university to reach the intercollegiate championships are also starting to build "families" one after another.

It has been five years since I started dating my partner. We began dating in our fourth year of university, overcame two years of long-distance while I was a professional player in Germany, and have now entered our third year of living together in Japan. Once, my partner went out for drinks with university friends and came home crying. I couldn't hide my surprise, as I had assumed it would be a fun gathering. When I asked, "What happened?" she opened up hesitantly. "I was told, 'I hope you find a romance where you can get married someday.' When I thought about how they probably think I'll eventually break up with Shiho and that I'm pitiful because I can't get married, it just became too painful."

It was 2001 when the Netherlands became the first country in the world to legalize same-sex marriage. Even now, 20 years later, it is still not possible for same-sex couples to marry in Japan. Ever since I realized I liked women, "marriage, children, and family" became someone else's business to me. I felt they had nothing to do with me, and I even thought I would live alone for the rest of my life.

However, I met a partner I truly wanted to be with forever, and I decided I wanted the two of us to stay together. When I moved to Germany and saw my teammates talking with sparkling eyes about same-sex weddings and their future family plans, I felt envious from the bottom of my heart. After returning to Japan and witnessing same-sex couples and FTM (Female to Male) couples raising children, I realized it was okay for me to want children too. My partner by my side and the wonderful people around me taught me that the way of life I desired deep in my heart was something I had been forced to give up on by my country. I realized that I am not alone, and that I, too, want to live together with a family.

I have a senior from my days in the Women's Soccer Section of the Athletic Association who was a comrade-in-arms and remains a close friend after graduation. That senior got married the year before last, and a child was born last year. My partner and I often visit their home and get to dote on the child. Both members of the couple are truly wonderful people, and we look up to them. Seeing them raising their child in such a happy, harmonious atmosphere, I can't help but think how wonderful a family is.

The family of Fumino Sugiyama, an LGBTQ activist and one of the founders of Tokyo Rainbow Pride, is also someone I admire. Fumino is an FTM individual whose sex assigned at birth was female and whose gender identity is male. In Japan, to change one's legal gender to male, one must undergo surgery to remove the uterus and ovaries, which places a significant physical burden on the body. For this reason, while Fumino has undergone hormone injections and a mastectomy, he has not had his uterus or ovaries removed and remains female on official family registers. Fumino has two children. They were conceived with his partner through sperm donation from a close friend who is gay. Reading Fumino's book, "We Tried Becoming Parents as a Trio," I strongly feel that the love of the three of them is poured into the children, that they are full of happiness, and that a family is a family regardless of the background. "Of course," he cannot enter into a legal marriage with his partner. Yet, what exists there is unmistakably the image of a family.

Such families have simply been made invisible by national laws and individual perceptions; various forms of family must have existed all along. Families choosing common-law marriage, families living as a couple without children, families of single mothers living together and supporting each other, families of two people with sexualities that do not involve romantic feelings... there are more forms of family in the world than can be listed here. Every form of family is wonderful, and every form of family is deeply precious.

"I hope you find a romance where you can get married." I believe the words spoken to my partner that day were nothing more than the imposition of "normalcy." Normally, people of the opposite sex fall in love; normally, they get married; normally, they give birth to children... that is a normal family. The world revolves around a standard of "normal" that no one knows who decided. But what if, in the first place, there is no such thing as "normal"? What if everyone has a different form of family? I believe there are structures we can change by changing these underlying assumptions.

My partner and I are currently discussing becoming an official family through "Famiee" (a privately issued partnership certificate using blockchain technology) and the "Setagaya City Same-Sex Partnership Oath." Even now, while same-sex marriage is not legalized, there are people working to redefine what a family can be so that everyone can live the life they desire. Thanks to those people, I have come to feel a sense of discomfort with "the normal family" being the standard, and I have also come to feel proud of the form of family we envision for ourselves.

On the other hand, I still feel it is unfair that there is no freedom of choice to marry. In the first place, being subject to a judgment of whether or not one is recognized by the state lacks human dignity. It's not that I want to take away anyone else's way of life; it's about whether or not I can choose the way of life I desire. That is all I am asking for.

I want to live in a society where I can be proud anywhere that we chose this form of family from many options. I want my partner, when she goes out for a meal with friends, to come home with a smile, saying she had a truly wonderful time. That is the future I am looking toward.