Shiho Shimoyamada: The Form of Family I Envision

2021/11/19

I turned 27 this year. Many of my friends back home got married around age 20, and their children are already about to become elementary school students. My seniors and peers from university, with whom I worked hard aiming for the Intercollegiate Championships, are also starting to build "families" one after another.

It has been five years since I started dating my partner. We began dating during my fourth year of university, overcame two years of long-distance while I was a professional player in Germany, and have now entered our third year of living together in Japan. Previously, my partner came home crying after going out for drinks with university friends. I was unable to hide my surprise, as I had assumed it would be a fun gathering. When I asked, "What happened?" she opened up hesitantly. "I was told, 'I hope you find a romance where you can get married someday.' It hurt to think that they believe I'll eventually break up with Shiho, and that they pity me because I can't get married."

It was 2001 when the Netherlands became the first country in the world to legalize same-sex marriage. Even now, 20 years later, it is not possible for same-sex couples to marry in Japan. Ever since I realized I liked women, "marriage, children, and family" became someone else's business to me. I felt it had nothing to do with me, and I even thought I would live my whole life alone.

However, I met a partner I wanted to be with forever, and I wanted us to stay together. Moving to Germany and seeing teammates talk with sparkling eyes about same-sex weddings and their future family structures made me feel truly envious. Returning to Japan and witnessing same-sex couples and FTM (Female to Male) couples raising children made me realize that it was okay for me to want children too. My partner by my side and the wonderful people around me taught me that the way of life I desired deep in my heart was something I had been forced to give up on by my country. I realized that I am not alone, and that I, too, want to live together with a family.

I have a senior from my days in the Women's Soccer Section of the Athletic Association who remains a close friend after graduation. That senior got married the year before last, and a child was born last year. My partner and I often visit their home and get to dote on the child. The senior couple are both truly good people and are role models for us. Seeing them raising their child in such a harmonious atmosphere, I can't help but think how wonderful a family is.

The family of Fumino Sugiyama, an LGBTQ activist and a founder of Tokyo Rainbow Pride, is also someone I admire. Fumino's assigned sex at birth was female, and his gender identity is male (FTM). In Japan, to change one's legal gender to male, one must undergo surgery to remove the uterus and ovaries, which is a high physical burden. Therefore, while Fumino has had hormone injections and a mastectomy, he has not had his uterus or ovaries removed and is legally female. Fumino has two children. They were conceived with his partner through sperm donation from a close friend who is gay. Reading Fumino's book, "We Tried Becoming Three Parents," I strongly feel that the love of the three of them is poured into the children, overflowing with happiness, and that no matter the background, a family is a family. "Of course," they cannot enter a legal marriage. However, what exists there is unmistakably the form of a family.

These kinds of families simply haven't been made visible due to national laws and individual consciousness; various forms of families must have existed all along. Families choosing common-law marriage, families of two living without children, families of single mothers helping each other, families of two people with sexualities involving no romantic feelings... there are more forms of family in the world than can be listed here. Every form of family is wonderful, and every form of family is precious.

"I hope you find a romance where you can get married." I believe the words said to my partner that day are nothing more than the imposition of "normalcy." Normally, people of the opposite sex fall in love; normally, they get married; normally, they give birth to children... that is a normal family. The world revolves around a standard of "normal" that no one knows who decided. But what if, in the first place, there is no such thing as "normal"? What if everyone has a different form of family? I believe that by changing the premise, there are structures we can change.

My partner and I are currently discussing becoming an official family through "Famiee" (a privately issued partnership certificate using blockchain technology) and the "Setagaya Ward Same-Sex Partnership Oath." Even now, while same-sex marriage is not legalized, there are people working to redefine what a family is so that everyone can live the life they desire. Thanks to those people, I have come to feel a sense of discomfort with "the normal family" being the standard, and I have come to feel proud of the form of family we envision.

On the other hand, I still think it is unfair that there is no freedom of choice to marry. In the first place, being the subject of a judgment on whether or not one is recognized by the state lacks human dignity. It's not that I want to take away anyone else's way of life; it's about whether or not I can choose the way of life I desire. That is all I am asking for.

I want to live in a society where I can be proud in any setting that we chose this form of family from many options. I want my partner, after going out for a meal with friends, to come home with a smile, saying they had a truly wonderful time. That is the future I am looking toward.